Does this Suit Suit Me?

With family reunion lurking in the not to distant future, it is time to once again gather my senses and realize that I must go out and do the unthinkable. You know. The thing that makes women shiver down their timbers. It makes the grown men who have to go with them quake in fear of saying the wrong thing. Yep. You know it. It is time to go and get a new bathing suit.



I am not sure how other states in the union introduce their "seasonal" wear, but here in the great state of Texas, the department stores pack up everything even remotely considered warm, and stocks the aisles with bathing suits while the snow is still on the ground. I am sure that their marketing people feel that we shoppers need this little reminder of brighter sunnier days in our future right? Or could it be that they have taken a very close look at us and realized that we gotta start now if we think for even one moment that we are going to fit into one of the latest and greatest swimsuits.



My philosophy is to pick a time during the day when most other female shoppers are NOT going to be shopping. There is just something about trying on bathing suits in front of lesser women that sets my teeth on edge. A size 4 has absolutely no business being in the same dressing room area as a size 12. They need to respect my space, because trust me I need more than they do in that fitting room area. I am still pulling and tucking while they are out in the center of the fitting room prancing around and twirlin' in front of the full length mirror. I am cowered on the floor of the fitting room with one leg stuck inside the suit that I swear should have fit, and didn't.



Last year, I tried on one that was supposed to give me the look that I wanted. Thin. Vibrant. Sexy. Did I say thin???? I refer to this suit as the Bluffakini. It comes in cute patterns and prints and its claim to fame is that it can hold anything on anyone "in". Think about this girls. A bikini that will HOLD you in. "In" where? was my first thought. I have tried unsuccessfully to hold "this" in, so how in the world can a bikini do it? But, never one to be doubtful, because after all, we all know that advertisers would never make a false claim, I pick one up and head for the dressing room. Once I get over the shock of seeing myself nearly nude, I begin the process of trying on my Bluffakini. It takes a good 15 minutes to tuck everything in and I am bent over trying to catch my breath because I feel like I have just climbed a flight of stairs. Stuffing and shoving and hiding is hard work! With reddened cheeks from all of the exertion, I glance in the mirror. Huh. Not bad. The Bluffakini has successfully trimmed and thinned me. I can't breathe mind you, but it hadn't advertised anything about breathing.



Here is the only flaw that I could see, and trust me I SAW this one. The Bluffakini made my backside UN-teeny. The front view looked all nice and trim while the view from the side resembled a rising dough ball. Like at any moment I was going to have a pressure build up and explode. One big bounce while on the boat could send me skyward like an overfilled balloon that someone released. I must admit, in my naivete I wasn't sure where all of the tucking and shoving stuff was going to end up, but it shouldn't have ended up THERE for heavens sake. Shouldn't the view of me from any given angle been one of a sleek athlete ? Even with my wonder tan, I looked like a freshly baked pretzel.



So here we are. Knowing full well that this year will be no different, that the times and size, they ain't a changin', I am once more in search of the perfect bathing suit for family reunion. Will it be within my grasp this year or as in years past will it leave me just.... gasping for air.