Beware the Eyes of March

The first day of spring packed a wallop here in Texas. We had snow. A lot of it in some places. Now mind you, compared to many other places in our wonderful country, our winter was baby sized. What's a few inches of snow when other parts of the northeast got a few feet of the fluffy white stuff. In my opinion, we had just enough to entertain the kids, and many adults for that matter. But, it will be nice to store the mittens and scarves away and bring out the sandals and tee shirts. Yeah baby. I can feel the spring in my step already.

Quite frankly, spring is one of those seasons that just kind of happens. It comes in kind of quietly, as though it doesn't want to cause a fuss. The birds seem to sing a little louder in the morning. The sunrise seems to glow with the promise of a warmer gentler day. And then all of a sudden you notice that the people around you seem to have shed about 20 pounds of outer layers. I didn't think it was humanly possible for my husband to wear so many shirts at once and still be able to tuck them in his jeans but every winter he accomplishes this feat.


And of course, as we all know, it is the time when people seem to get magically tanned before your very eyes. Bronzed skin replaces the pasty white winter look. Golden brown hairless legs are proudly displayed everywhere I go. It's amazing really. The sun has been out for maybe a few days, yet the folks around town look like they have been vacationing in the Bahamas for weeks. This happens every year. Everyone's eyes are riveted to all of the tanned legs walking around. How do they do it? I noticed this a few years ago so, being blessed with having my own fashionista in the family, I called her so that I might find out how this is accomplished. It seems that scientists, bless their hearts, have developed ways to instantly tan you so that at the very first moment of crop pant season, you are ready to go. And it all comes, easy as pie, in a bottle or a tube.


I decided that it would be a good idea to try this stuff out, since I didn't want to be the only one out walking around looking so pale and sickly. Fitting in with the crowd is so important you know. So, off I go, to the neighborhood drug store to pick up a bottle of this wonderful potion. Now, like many of the "must have" items on the store shelves, this stuff is not cheap. Always trying to be the good steward, I pick up one that promises me a "glowing natural tan in just a few hours", for quite a bit less than the name brand that the fashionista had suggested. She may know products and fashions, but I know how to save a buck.


After a good shave, remember, it's been winter time so the extra hair on the legs has been hidden by sweat pants, I squirt some of the gel in my hands and proceed to rub it on my legs. It is white, practically the same color as my legs, and it appears to disappear quickly and efficiently. It doesn't even really smell bad. I smile to myself just thinking about how awesome it is going to be in the morning when I put on my crop pants and sandals and no longer blind my neighbor when I walk out to get the mail.


The next morning as I made the coffee, I couldn't help but notice that my palms kind of had a glow in the dark look to them. They had a tinge of orange, like I had been eating Cheetos, and not washed my hands properly. I washed them and dried them again, and then again, and to my utter surprise this dull orangy hue didn't go away. I kept turning them over and over staring in amazement having absolutely no idea why this was happening. Was I sick or something? Should I call the doctor and make an appointment. Was my liver shutting down??????? And then, like a bolt of lightning it hit me. If my hands look like this, what in the world are my LEGS gonna look like.


I dashed for the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror intently staring at my orange legs. Where was the golden bronze tan that everybody else had. The picture on the front of the bottle displayed the most wonderfully evenly tanned person I had ever seen. I wanted to look like HER for heavens sake. Instead, I looked like a kindergartner had attempted to paint me and didn't understand the concept of staying in the lines. I looked like I had been haphazardly dipped in orange gelatin. My legs resembled a heavier version of my orange tabby cat. What was I going to do. The temperate was supposed to be warm and sunny. People were expecting me to be ready for spring. I had had my toes painted with a flower already.


There was no way around the fact that I was going to remain in this condition for a couple of weeks. I just couldn't let anyone see me like this. What would my friends think? Would they pity me for this ghastly mistake or would they think to themselves that I must be really really ill and be polite and not say anything. I was secretly praying that a freak snowstorm would come so that everyone would be back to wearing parkas and mukluks. But no. As luck would have it the weather was beautiful. Everywhere I went, in my blue jeans, people were showing off their tans and crop pants. I was an outcast among my own kind. I had no style, no glam. All I had was orange legs.


This year will be different. I heard about a place where they actually spray the tan right on you. Yeah. It's true. My girlfriend had it done. She came out of the stall, shiny bronze without so much of a stripe on her. Her legs had that even glow of being out in the sun continuously for weeks. I knew instantly that this was for me. No more magic potion from a bottle. I was going to go get the perfect tan. I called her up and she graciously explained the process to me. I was doing great until she reached the part where you are naked in the stall as the person sprays the tan on you. I thought about this scenario and thought about it. Was I willing to go to these lengths for a tan? Naked in a room with a person I didn't know? Naked in a room? Naked? At this stage in my life, nobody sees me naked on purpose. I just couldn't do it. I have no nerve. I have no chutzpah. Thank goodness I have another coupon for the "Tan in a Bottle".